Goodbye Book: Chapter 1

I remember working an overtime shift as an overnight staff and you ran out of area. I knew why and did not feel mad about it, but I do remember running after you thinking, 'omg, omg, I really don't wanna have to put her into a restraint.' So there I was running behind you and trying to encourage you to talk to me and explain what you were feeling. Now that I think about it, I probably sounded pretty pathetic. To my surprise though, you sat down on a bench and processed. After processing, you informed me and the staff who came on assistance that you wanted to talk to your peers about things that were occurring that were not okay. I think it was a very mature decision on your part and you handled it well. When a peer became disrespectful and got smart with you, you ran for the second time within an hour. As I was running after you again, I tried thinking of what to say, but nothing sounded right. You suddenly stopped and sat down in the middle of the field and we processed. You agreed to go back to the residence and we went into the comfort room . . . where you started screaming and cursing out staff. It wasn't until a little later that you started crying uncontrollably while sharing with me your past and the few years you spent at this placement. I tried so hard not to start crying myself because it was one of the most heart-wrenching stories I had ever heard and in some ways, it reminded me of my own past.

Hearing your story reminded me of two things my mom told me every single day:

That no matter how hard your life is, there is always someone out there who has it 10 times          worse. and that you should always treat everyone you meet with kindness, because each is fighting their own battle. 

Remembering her words prompted me to start going through every detail in each kids' file. I tried memorizing diagnoses, trauma history, triggers, protocols, medications, everything. After going through your file, I realized that half of the stuff that you had shared that night in the comfort room wasn't even in it. I also realized that your behavior was what I felt a direct reflection of not only your past trauma, but how staff handled the crisis situation. The fact that you ran after a peer threatened you made sense because of the environment in which you grew up. The fact that you would run after getting into physical restraints made sense because of your past trauma. To top it off, staff were really loud and socializing when you were in the comfort room, which I learned from you a bit later were a few triggers. All of your behavior made sense because people and situations threatened your safety and because of everything you've been through, your natural reaction is to protect yourself and those behaviors provided you with a sense of safety.

That day, you taught me why this job is so important and why it needs to be taken seriously.